Usually I am very happy being single and not having kids, but like anything in life, it’s not absolute. And sometimes it really hurts deeply that I don’t have kids. Because everyone around you puts their kids first. And you put them first. It’s a no-win situation. It’s lonely.
So today I had a fun raunchy date planned with a new guy I’ve just met. To say I was looking forward to it, to connect in every way possible was an understatement. It’s been a while since I’ve liked anyone.
He’s had his son for over a week with school holidays. And today he was going back to his mum’s. Our time.
Then a couple of hours before we were meant to meet up I get a text (standard) saying can we meet up tomorrow as he has his boy. I asked what happened? Well his mum decided she wanted to do something for the Grand Final. Right. There it is. Some woman I’ve never met somehow completely affects my life due to a whim.
I was pissed off for about 30 seconds and then got over it. He said he was sorry. And he said he would never pass on more time with his son. Melt.
Then I started to feel this deep deep pain.
Something that rears it’s ugly head now and then.
When I realise I don’t have a child to put all my time and energy into.
When I realise I am completely alone.
When I realise I don’t come first in anybody’s life.
And I cry.
I cry for the loss of something I never got to do in life.
I cry for the selfishness I have in my life that today is leaving me unfulfilled.
I cry for the loneliness.
I cry for my own inner child that has no one to play with.
It’s currently kid’s week where I live, and the middle of school holidays.
Something I’ve been rolling my eyes over constantly as I do generally avoid hoards of children (or anyone) whenever I can.
I like kids and they like me, but I’ve never been too unhappy about not having any.
Especially when my health became a bigger consideration in my life than I ever thought and with the pain I deal with and my lack of energy I simply couldn’t imagine giving birth, let alone running after a toddler.
So it’s the afternoon.
Right now I was meant to be getting ready to meet this guy I like. But instead I’m still in my PJ’s in bed watching Netflix. Some peoples dream. My solace. And not where I want to be right now.
And all of a sudden I wish I had a little person to hug, who loves me unconditionally and who I put first in my life and I’m completely content with that. And I have to sit with that. And I have to feel the pain and loneliness. And I have to accept that it wasn’t my path and know that this feeling will pass and I’m ok with it.
I am happy for my life.
I am happy being an aunty.
I am happy.
But right now in this moment, I am sad.
And it is just that.