For Faith

Blogs, Fibromyalgia, Healing, Invisible Illness

This is something I wrote when going through an extremely hard time with Fibromyalgia and such excessive pain. One of my best friends came with her daughter my goddaughter to stay with me as I could rarely see them. This was so difficult for me as I hide during pain and the noise and energy of young children can be almost unbearable, which is why I haven’t had my own. But this night turned out to be one of healing. It was difficult but beautiful at the same time.

Due to me living away for so many years and Faith's mum and I losing contact somewhat as our lives have gone in completely different directions. I haven’t been connected to my goddaughter for many years. But I am still thankful to have shared this time together and hope in the future we can reconnect. 3.5.13

Beautiful Faith,

Your mum and you gave me a beautiful gift last night.

You both came to stay at my place as I have been very sick with a lot of pain in my body and migraines and feeling very tired and heavy.

I have been working on this emotionally and it has been bringing up a lot of emotional and physical pain for me.

Last night from the moment you were coming up to see me, I feel like you became a voice for my pain. You were crying from your heart and I felt you were crying for me.

Your gift was that I haven’t been able to let go and you did this for me. You screamed what I haven’t been able to scream. You cried the tears I haven’t been able to cry and you let go.

You are 2 years old.

We have a connection and until now it has been more through your mother’s faith in having me as a person in your life. After tonight I feel that you and I have gone through something together and our connection is so deep.

I feel that you have a gift that transcends feeling people’s pain … you provide an outlet for that pain … you let it go. You let it go when they are ready but don’t know how to do it.

It didn’t seem to me that you were in Pain.

It felt that you were acknowledging and respecting the trauma behind the pain and you let it go for me.

They weren’t your tears. You didn’t own the pain. You just let it go. This is so special and so powerful and I am so excited to see how you use this gift to the world.

I believe I have an important mission in this life as does your mum and many other women who have been through a lot of things at a young age. We need to let these traumas go in order to be wonderful and powerful yet empathetic and loving in the way we need to be. I feel like at the age of 2 you already know this better than we do.

It was so special to have you constantly reaching out for me asking for ‘Aunty Zoe’ all night. I know your mum found it so hard because she is here to nurture you and nothing she could do would appease you while your screams were releasing the pain. For me despite the fact that it sounded loud and distressing, I somehow felt so calm. I didn’t feel like you were in pain. You needed to let go.

Throughout the night while you and mum were in my bed I felt like you were connected to me in a very special way. When I was having a bad dream you cried out. When a part of my body started to really ache, you touched the exact spot with your foot, very gently and nurturing. This happened twice. And a few times you would touch me lightly when I was feeling anxious.

At the end of the night (in the morning) you were laying next to me stroking my arm.

My darling, this was so so special. It felt to me like you were caressing me with love in the knowledge I had just gone through something so traumatic. And you were the one who had been crying all night and asking for me all night.

It was then that I realized you had done all of that for me.

Even though I am tired, my head feels clear. It hasn’t felt this way for a long time.

I feel like the body of pain I have been walking around with has gone… like a hot air balloon being released up into the sky.

I went for a walk along the beach for the first time in a week.

I cooked a healthy dinner for the first time in months.

I feel happy.

And I feel thankful.

Thankyou my love for your special gift.

Nobody has rubbed my arm lovingly for a very long time. Not in at least 10 years.

Thankyou.

Much love ‘Aunty Zoë’ xxxxxxx