Wow, so many people have told me that they like to follow my posts to see how everything is going in Bali, so I thought I’d share something rather personal.
About 2 hours ago I had a massive breakthrough moment … a physical release from our massage healer that cracked my back so enormously it left me sobbing for the last 90 minutes.
For those of you who don’t know, I have suffered 4 years of chronic backpain and migraines from a car accident in Adelaide just before I left for Sydney.
This was the loneliest, most isolating, painful time in my life. It affected every part of me from, friendships, work, social life, diet, exercise regime, and self esteem to name a few.
Now when I look in the mirror I see as the Balinese would say a ‘broken’ body. Not the lively, energetic, lean, active body I used to have. I would suggest that it may be how someone feels upon finishing their cancer treatment and looking in the mirror and seeing themselves pale, exhausted and with short hair. They are thankful to be alive and know they are through the worst of it hoping for the best, but every time you look at your reflection in the mirror it’s unrecognisable. And every time you see that short hair it reminds you of all the pain you’ve been through. It is the same with me in the ways I have changed.
I have never been through cancer so I hope any cancer survivors won’t feel like I’m speaking for them or demeaning anything they have gone through. This was the most life changing painful experience of my life, and that’s where the similarities lie.
Through this time, I felt I became quite distant from a lot of friends as our lives were so different. Only I knew what pain I was in and for the most part I covered it well for the people around me. I was completely alone, lived alone, looked after myself and often went for months without seeing anybody except for work. And even then I was often sick for weeks at a time and had to take prolonged periods off where I would see no one.
About 18 months ago i went back to Adelaide for an amazing job with a fantastic company. After 3 months I met Dr Rogers who helped rid me of migraines over an 8 month period through laser treatment. This was an extremely difficult time as I seemed to get sicker and sicker… and then finally I got better.
Dr Rogers was the only person on this earth who I felt understood what I was going through. I knew this when he told me ‘Zoe most people see improvements after 3 months but it stands to reason you haven’t seen any yet at 7.5 months as you have to do everything yourself and your body has no time to heal.’ He urged me to take prolonged time off but this was impossible with my job and my reliance solely upon myself financially.
Just when I thought it was all too hard and I was completely sick of the pain and falling into depressive thoughts i took a week off and went to Bali. This was exactly what I needed. I stayed on Lembongan Island on my own and recuperated. I got a taste of what life would feel like if I had time to rest and get better.
When I got home after some significant conversations with some of my closest friends i realised I was the only one who could make the decisions I needed to get better, so I did. I decided to move to Bali for 12 months and heal my body. My settlement had been finalised with the insurers for my car accident and I decided the thing I needed most in the world was my physical & emotional health.
It was only after this decision that the idea of Bliss Sanctuary For Women was born. The business and marketing plans came thick and fast sitting in bed every night formulating my plans and researching. 3 months later I started putting the plans into action and here I am!
As a lot of you know this has been an amazingly successful experience. We have a long way to go but it is so fulfilling to recognise a need and do something about meeting that need. In this case it is the need for support and a safe environment to nurture oneself as a woman traveling on her own or with a friend. It is about giving back to oneself to recharge and make the most out of life.
During this time I have had very little time to actually tend to my own health needs. I bought a scooter so I could have some time off without relying on all my staff, and I could visit some of the amazing organic cafes around and start a detox. The first day I started on the scooter I fell off and hurt myself. After limping around for a week and just watching the bruises heal and getting strength back into my left wrist I thought it was time to see my healer Sami again. He was there when i came off helping to calm the bruising and assess the damage, and now I needed him again.
I remember talking with a new amazing Bali friend, Monica who does our personalised detoxes and she said on a symbolic level if you fall off on the right side it means you’re needing to slow down in life and if you fall on the left it means you’re stuck. I just assumed she got this the wrong way around as I fell to the left. But as it happens I was completely stuck.
So today I saw Sami, and I finally had enough trust to let him crack my back. I can’t even explain what a big thing this is after Chiro’s, Osteo’s, Physio’s, doctors, masseusses etc all causing more harm than good over the last 4 years!
After a quite painful massage (lets face it my body is working at about 35% capacity) came the big crack. It went from my neck down to my lower back. The shock I felt was so overwhelming and I started balling. Then I couldn’t stop.
I sent the girls off to dinner without me and had a bath. I didn’t know why I was so upset. After a while I settled down and started to breathe properly again. I sat for a while in the bath feeling the release and sadness of 4 years of loneliness, isolation, pain, anger, frustration all being released. And then I smiled.
Now I am at another new beginning of renewed health and vitality.
I wouldn’t take back one second of that pain as I wouldn’t be here in Bali running my own business empowering women to do something amazing for themselves. But I am so thankful that so much has been released personally as now I know how to fill that void with happiness and laughter.
Thankyou for listening.
Zxxx